I Hate Skinny Jeans

My name is Faye, and I hate skinny jeans.  Do you hear me, women's clothing fashion designers?!  I HATE SKINNY JEANS!!!  And for the love of donuts, can anyone out there explain the difference between skinny jeans, jeggings, and curvy jeans?  Because I tried on dozens of pairs of each today and I still can't discern what reasoning justifies putting them into separate categories of jeans.  Just call them "walking wedgies" and be done with it.  I also hate the fashionable "alternatives" to skinny jeans, including "boyfriend" style jeans, which appear to be androgenously baggy jeans stolen from the 90s, distressed, pant-legs rolled up, and then paired with platform shoes; leggings, a nightmarish ghost of potential material pilling from my elementary-school age years come back to haunt me; and parachute pants, which are baggy, pocketed variations of sweat pants.  I made a pair of brown parachute pants once accidentally in Jr. High while attempting to create cargo pants.  They were hideous. In shame, I eventually buried them in the gigantic pile of "clothes to be mended" in the laundry room where they could never be found again (except maybe by Melanie and Dad, who I heard are actually sorting through that room and getting rid of all kinds of other forgotten objects).  It never would have occurred to me in a million years that I just needed to sell them with neon-pink fishnet shirts.  Silly me. 

That rant established, you are probably now wondering why, if I hate skinny jeans so much, I was trying on dozens of pairs of them today.  That is a good question.  An even better question is why I eventually bought 2 pairs of said hated clothing.  The answer my friends, is blowing in the wind.  Or rather, the answer is what will be blowing in the wind soon, since 2 of my 4 pairs of jeans have sprouted rather large holes in the crotch-area, and the other 2 pairs are looking as though they may soon follow suit, the traitors. 

I knew this would happen eventually, of course.  Even really good quality jeans only last me a year, maximum.  Typically I replace the most tattered and essential portions of my wardrobe in the week following Christmas (after Boxing Day- I don't have sharp enough elbows for Boxing Day sales on Boxing Day itself).  This can usually be done swiftly and within $200 on a solo trip.  That is all the clothes shopping I want to do for the entire year, though sometimes I'm forced to brave the malls for the end of summer sales if quite a few of my clothes are tattered beyond repair or respectability.  I hate clothes shopping.  I hate spending money on something I know was probably made by child slave labour and will inevitably start breaking down within weeks of my wearing it.  I hate throwing out old clothes- most can't be composted, and you know that they'll just petrify and take up space once they're sent to a landfill.  I found some solace in gifting old jeans and linens to my church's volunteer quilting group in Calgary, but I haven't found anything similar here.  I also now live on Toronto's mink mile, which is conveniently close to school, but not conveniently close to any thrift stores where I might go looking for some used flare jeans. 

And why do I loath skinny jeans so much?
(1) As I think I implied earlier, skinny jeans are uncomfortable.  I have never, ever thought to myself: "Today I would like to wear pants that feel like they are simultaneously giving me a wedgie and trying to sneak off."
(2) I am not a skinny girl.  Skinny jeans do not soothe my anxious ego because they do nothing to soften the bulges of my not-skinny image.
(3) The only way to soften the unforgiving appearance of skinny jeans on a non-skinny person is to exaggerate the size of their other features, for example by wearing giant boots (by the way, "Uggs" and all their knock-offs are exactly what they sound like), bushy neck scarves, and long baggy shirts.  This means that because there are no sufficiently warm & non-ugly alternative pant styles available for non-skinny persons such as myself, I can't just replace the jeans in my wardrobe, I have to replace almost the whole thing.  This is expensive and wasteful.  Plus, I hate scarves.  My neck almost never feels cold and things that wrap around it remind me of choking. 

Sigh.  I have tried to wait out the assaultive seige of the current fashion styles.  I kept hoping everyone would realize skinny jeans are ghastly and go back to more sensible clothes styles the next year.  But it has been 2 years of skinny jeans ruthlessly dominating the market and there is no sign of reprieve.  Alas, I bought 3 new scarves and 3 baggy sweaters today to go with my 2 new pairs of skinny jeans.  I did manage to hold out against purchasing a pair of giant Ugg knockoffs, but this was largely only because my hate for uncomfortable and poorly constructed footwear over-ruled my self-consciousness.  Darn this unending season of fashion horror. 

P.S.  A shout out of thanks and praise to whoever designed my abominable snow monster toque.  I don't know who you are, but I want you to know that I love it.  Everyone else in Canada also loves it.  Seriously, everyone.  The young, the old, men, women, rich, poor: complete strangers routinely stare at it with spontaneous joy and feel compelled to tell me that it's awesome.