Now I lay me down
to sleep
I pray the LORD my soul
to keep
And if I die before
I wake
I pray the LORD my soul
to take.
Day 3 since the end of classes for the 2006-2007 school year. I haven't begun applying for full-time work for the summer yet, but I will next week. I'm feeling both excited and hesistant to begin playing soccer again in May. I know it's only a rec league, but I still like to perform at my best and I know I won't be. After two years of doing nothing but figurative running around, my physical stamina is shot.
"But my child, let me give you some further advice:
Be careful, for writing books is endless,
and much study wears you out."
Ecclesiastes 12:12
Last semester nearly killed me. By the time I finished exams I was sick, sleep-deprived, socially isolated, and depressed. It was a miracle of God that I felt so refreshed after just a few weeks off for Christmas because my break really wasn't particularly restful either. I went back to school for my Winter semester with a very tentative hope that I would manage my schedule better- very carefully scheduling in a routine of exercise, personal devotions, work, homework, volunteering, and church (not neccesarily in that order).
I did ok for the first half of the semester, but I must be honest and tell you that the second half of the semester was painful. I have never had a heavier homework load in my life. By the last month of school I had to give in to reality and completely cut off work at my job and volunteering. I also stopped showing up for the Young Adults group at church that I recently joined, cut time with God and everyone else to a few minutes a day, and I just worked. In the end, I cut classes for an entire week and worked from 8 am until 12 pm or 1 am on 2 papers due the same week, then I worked 4 days straight with 6 hours sleep to finish my last final project, leaving me one day to sleep before cramming for 5 hours before my first two exams on Friday. Afterwards I went out for coffee with my friend Laurie, who is moving to BC, before we headed to the church for a fundraiser Mexican dinner. Purely by chance we met Amy there, so we all ate tacos in support of Sam, who will be going on a mission trip to Mexico this summer. Saturday I crammed for a few hours again, wrote my third exam, bought some groceries, cleaned my house, went half-way to a Young Adults event before giving up and coming home to study before Val came over to hang out. Sunday I skipped church and studied, then prepared food and the house for an all-girls tea party send-off for Val, who is moving to Saskatchewan on Friday. The tea party was splendid. Following tea and crumpits, we (Val, Sam, Melanie, Amy, and I) watched Pride and Prejudice (darn I love that movie). Afterwards, while Val took a nap and Amy studied, I took the dog for a walk and fought off feelings of loneliness. Lastly, we all headed out with Paul (Val's "interest") to Whitespot to scout out Melanie's "interesting" male friend from work while eating supper together. It was fabulous fun and I was able to bury my sorrow for a while. Monday I studied all day, then wrote my exam at 6:30pm. I'm pretty sure I bombed it but that's ok because I suspect the rest of the class did as well so the Prof will likely have to curve our grades again. At home I found Amy stressed out about some nasty rumour-mongering organization confusion thing going on in the Scotland church she is leaving to become a part of so I prayed with her and sang her my mom's old lullaby, "Angels Watching Over Me". Tuesday I bummed around the house for the morning cleaning and reading the comics until Charis came over to watch Pride and Prejudice with me again (yes, I'm an addict now). Charis and I went to the Young Adults bible study together (good times), then at 11:30 pm Melanie and I went to the airport to collect our parents from their 25th Anniversary vacation. Wednesday was a weird mixture of helping Amy pack until we (Mom, Dad, Mel, and I) put Amy on her flight to Scotland in the afternoon, then making birthday dinner for my mom. I didn't want to watch The Devil Wears Prada after supper so I went to my room to be irresponsible and read my first non-scholastic novel since before the Winter semester until 2 am Thursday. At 3 am Melanie woke me up crying from the worst nightmare of her life (featured 4 demons suffocating her), so we prayed together and I sang "Angels Watching Over Me" again until Melanie felt better and went to the kitchen to go read John.
Anyways, the point is: I think the constant motion of schoolwork kept me too distracted to feel overwhelmed with loss of people going away, while attempts to have as many shining memories of time spent together as possible before they left kept me from drowning in my work. Now both partings and school are over and I can't run anymore. I don't feel empty, depressed, or burnt out, just sad. Brandston has this song on their Send Us a Signal album called, "Just Breath". I've been listening to it a lot this year. The lyrics are as follows.
Remember your choice.
I can hear your voice
still.
You had your fill
of those little reminders.
There's only bills and sleeping pills.
What if they're right?
Note to self: This isn't living.
This is merely existing.
Breathe, c'mon breathe, just breathe.
"It'll all be better soon."
You say
as you cross the room.
To pull up the shade.
Please don't. Please don't for my sake.
My early morning eyes just can't take light right now.
Just can't take life right now.
So turn out the light.
Just close the lid and seal me in.
I'll sleep for days and days on end.
Leave me lie here in this coffin.
I'll breathe
only half as often.
Turn out the light.
This isn't living.
This is merely existing.
It's the best representation of depression I've ever heard and I understand it better than ever this year. But that's not how I feel. Not this time. God surprised me this time. As I took the train home from my last exam to face my goodbyes, I heard Job 1:21 instead.
He said, 'Naked I came
from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave
and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.'
