Self Doubt

Decided today that it was time to start reading something new.  In a nod to my up-coming summer backpacking adventures, I opted to read a book I'd bought from a thrift store forever and a day ago and never opened: Max Lucado's Travelling Light.  Essentially, the book uses 18 chapters to extrapolate the meaning of Psalm 23, specifically focusing on trusting God enough to leave various forms of spiritual and emotional baggage behind.  Generally speaking, I frown on books that insist on analyzing a small piece of writing to death, and I may yet develop a very deeply furrowed brow by the time I finish this book, but in the meantime I found a quotation worth quotationing:

"Let's evaluate this.  You can't control your moods.  A few of your relationships are shakey.  You have fears and faults.  Hmmm.  Do you really want to hang on to your chest of self-reliance?  Sounds to me as if you could use a shepherd.  Otherwise, you might end up with a Twenty-third psalm like this:
'I am my own shepherd.  I am always in need.
I stumble from mall to mall and shrink to shrink, seeking relief but never finding it.
I creep through the valley of the shadow of death and fall apart.
I fear everything from pesticides to powerlines, and I'm starting to act like my mother.
I go down to the weekly staff meeting and am surrounded by enemies.
I go home, and even my goldfish scowls at me.
I anoint my headache with extra-strength Tylenol.
My Jack Daniel's runneth over.
Surely misery and misfortune will follow me, 
and I will live in self-doubt for the rest of my lonely life.'"
-pp.24-25.

When I finished snickering at the phrase, "My Jack Daniel's runneth over," I came to reflect that the latter statement, "and I will live in self-doubt for the rest of my lonely life" did in fact strike a chord with me.  A few years ago I took a narrative psychology class and ended up having to interview myself for my final project.  Among other difficult questions, I asked myself what my greatest fears for my future self were.  My answer was that (1) I wouldn't ever go on to become a psychologist, that I wouldn't have the courage to finish what I started; and (2) that I would become an old maid, effectively living out the role of Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses. 
Thankfully, God has rescued me from the latter dread; however...Self-doubt...it plagues me.  I know I should be working on re-applying for grad studies, but I keep avoiding it.  Dan recently called me on my procrastination when we went out for a late night snack together. I confessed that the biggest hurdle for me is a fear of what other people think of me.  I'm so desperate to be found smart and interesting and promising that I can't make up my mind about what a "good-sounding" thesis proposal would be and therefore keep avoiding the most crucial part of grad study application: contacting the professors involved.  It's not the first time I've found myself in this sort of pitifully wimpy position.  My undergrad supervising professor rejected my first undergrad thesis proposal.  Not because it wasn't any good, but because she knew it wasn't mine.  I was trying so hard to make my thesis look like her own research that I had lost my own ideas and interests.  She made me start over from scratch. 
Now I need the do the same thing, and the thought makes me so tired.  And certainly a large part of that comes from trying too hard to rely on myself to be perfect and self-sufficient, rather than allowing and trusting God to make the way for me that He chooses. 
Saying that aloud feels like deja vu.  That's rather discouraging.  I don't want to learn the same lessons over and over again.  "Layers: onions have layers; ogres have layers" (Shrek in Shrek).  Oh shut up and stop quoting my own encouragements to other people back at me, God.  Did I just tell God to shut up?  Hmmm.  Apparently I actually do need to read Max Lucado's book about the importance of letting go of self-reliance/rebellion from God...