Enough

What do we mean when we say we've had enough? I've had enough school. And by 'enough,' I mean: enough of reading, writing, thinking, sitting, and endless functional but superficial communication; and enough of getting nowhere near enough sleep, exercise, out-doors, or quality time with God, friends, and family. I've had enough of compulsive, swirling, obsessive, compounding, fragmented thoughts that won't let me concentrate or rest. I've had enough of not being enough, of not getting enough done. I've had enough. A Meditation on Candles Peace calls to me, and Melanie pushes me towards it, suggesting 'meditation'. I'm desperate. Today I'll try something new: "Bringing every thought captive..." Dave's verse. Today it's mine. "Expand my territory..." Jabez' prayer. Not my will be done but thine. "The Kingdom of Heaven is like..." well, candles. Even tea lights give off enough heat to burn your hands if they hover too close too long. Every candle has its circle of influence- a quietly advancing lake deeper, wider. The signs of wax breaking down are feeble and inconsistent at first: just sporadic droplettes here and there that become here and here and here and here; connecting to their neighbours until none is left behind. They've all melted together. Breathe in. Green is the theme today. Three different citrus tea lights that came in a jar of tranquilitea, compliments of Tachae. In addition, a friendly pistachio-coloured pot of 'candied pears,' a gift from Danielle Devore I thought I'd never use; now, Comforting Warmth soak into my soul. My mind is a blizzard of ash angry and chaotic and damaging like a volcano instead of the blizzard out-side- cold and fierce and cleansing. So burn. Tumerous thoughts wash away, melt away. Melt away. Breathe out. John says: "Jesus breathed on his disciples" before his ascent- "a blessing". We generally avoid being breathed on. Breath is stinky, wet, contagious, a violation of our personal space. Maybe we need to be violated to be blessed. God is never described as 'nice' in the bible. Probably because 'nice' implies 'polite'. God isn't polite. Good, yes, but not polite. Politeness requires staying within the confines of a society's norms, rituals, rules of living. But God exists out-side of society, before society, and after. He is the outer edge- wild, like flame; and infitismally small- intimate and foundational, like droplettes of wax and heated gas particles, rising unseen. God, I have read about you with the reading of the eyes. But now I smell you; therefore, I release myself and I will burn as wax and ashes. For it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. Breathe on me, God. I'm tired of listening to fears. Warm my face, lion of Judah, with your dragon's breath. Replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. The lakes grow deeper. 'Sucker green' is a translucent pool; only a small crescent isle holds out from turning clear to the bottom. The centre light takes her time, melting evenly all the way around. Olive green rim streams into lemon, with a dark metal plate in the centre beneath: she is an eye. To the left: 'Sucker Yellow' pool with a pastel crescent, not as far along as Green, but Yellow is burning steadily nonetheless. Finally, the Pear: wick off-centre, she carves a slippery-walled cavern on one hand and signs her carbon-print signature on the other. Dancing in whispers green, yellow-green, and yellow reflected on the gentle contours of my friendly pistachio-coloured Mrs. Potts. Damn. Breathed out too hard. The dark green is now simply dark. There is sorrow- a candle should be lit. There is salvation- Christ is the light of the world; he will re-start it and keep re-starting it until its task is finished and everything it was has been freed. Into the atmosphere... and beyond! But not alone; Particles like to congregate- that is how the stars, sun, moon, and planets were formed. Birth, death, re-birth: that is the way of the cosmos, until such time as God says, "Enough." In Stumbling on Happiness we see that after we leave abject poverty more money does not make us more happy. Just seek enough. That's enough. Blow out the candles and go eat lunch with Mel- just enough to satisfy. I am satisfied. Thanks, God.