Responsibility: what's that?

"Responsibility: what's that? Responsibility: not quite yet! Responsibility: I don't want to think about it. We'd be better off without it. I don't want to think about it." -Reliant K Greetings and salutations in the new year. Has anyone read Cyler's New Years Resolutions posts? They're innappropriately labeled but that's what they are. I'm really proud of him for making New Years Resolutions. Particularly because he made clear, objective ones with a semi-structured time line. Any good cognitive behavioural therapist will tell you that life change is more likely to occur if you have clearly defined, reasonable goals that can be reached through a series of clearly defined, small steps. Good work Cyler. I made no such official resolutions. Why? I don't have any great reasons, really. Partly, I'm just rebelling against the system: I hate making resolutions for the sake of making resolutions. If there's something in my life or self that I feel needs changing, I'll make a plan to change it at the time it comes to my attention. Unfortunately, I'm also lazy: I'm sick and tired of making resolutions. There's always something in my life that needs tweaking and my thumb, quite frankly, is getting sore. Especially since I seem to make the same resolutions with slight variations to their method over and over again. This is largely because I tend to break my resolutions. And, being the coward that I am, I'd rather make no promises whatsoever than make good promises and then mess up on them. And, whispers my poisonous mind, at least if I mess up on resolutions only I know I have, no one will notice. But. There's always a but. But, I finally found time to read the lectio for the fourth Sunday of Advent, as provided by my religious prof, Charles, from the Christian calandar. The lectios were Luke 1:26-38a and Matthew 1:18-23. These are the accounts of the Angel Gabriel coming to visit Mary and Joseph, respectively. Common words spoken to both: "Do not fear." I love Mary. I love her because she's real. Her initial reaction at seeing an angel is not the storybook child's response of, "Wow, you're pretty! Can you brush my cheeks with the feathery soft tips of your golden wings as you stand guard over my bed at night to protect me from closet monsters, unfinished homework, and bad dreams, pleeeeease?" Rather, Mary is described as feeling "confused and disturbed" at the angel's arrival (verse 29). As in: "Oh no, what the duece are you doing here and what is this going to cost me?" That's very comforting to me. I can empathise with cautious people. I am one. Then Gabriel states "For nothing is impossible with God" (verse 38). Mary absorbs that. She responds, "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." And that is why Mary is also my heroine: Mary knows who she is. She knows that she, Mary, is not God, but that God is good and powerful enough to be her LORD. She knows that she'll be with God on this unusual journey of motherhood and that means she'll be more than fine, no matter what happens to her or what people say about her. She knows that life apart from the will of God is no life at all. Can I say I know that? My mind says it's logical. But my heart gets confused and disturbed when I try to repeat those two simple sentances: "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." I want to change that "I am" in the first sentance into "I'll try to be" or "I'm thinking about being" or "I guess I might be"or "Sometimes I will be". I want the second sentance to promise to give me everything I ask for. And I want a time-table added on. I want it to tell me, "Faye, your husband's name is going to be Michael. You'll meet him tommorow; he's an architect with an excellent sense of humour, musician skills, and a love of the out-doors who thinks you're the most beautiful woman to ever walk the earth. You are going to become a mother in exactly 4 years and 38 days; your first-adopted child will be called Taheerah. She's an orphaned child from Palestine- you'll meet her in May 2008. You're going to save Jane Smith's life on October 24th, 2015 at 2 pm- make sure you take the c-train that day. Also, you're going to become filthy rich by the time you're 30: make sure you buy a hybrid car before 2009." But. But faith doesn't work that way. God didn't say anything about when his promises to me will come about, or in what order. He never promised to give me absolutely everything I ask him for. Nolan recently paraphrased Graham Cook as saying, "Sometimes God gives me visions of my future with him to inspire me to work towards that reality sooner rather than later. Time doesn't really exist for God: a thousand years is a day to him. Consequently, God doesn't see me as I am now, but as I will be when I am perfected in Christ." So, I am instead required to say: "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." I have to say it because God's timing and plans are perfect and he'll let everything be exactly as he said when he thinks I'm ready.