Toronto Regret

Strange that being accepted into graduate studies has done nothing to lessen my self doubt.  I attended my first class at the University of Toronto today- Ethical Issues in Professional Practise in Psychology.  It felt a bit like that scene from Legally Blonde where Elle attends her first legal studies class- shows up late, unprepared for the discussion, and with inadequate supplies.  Okay, well I still carry a Mary Poppins backpack of wonders so I didn't have inadequate supplies, but the class was related to legal studies and I was late and one of maybe three students in the class who had to admit they had not printed off the course syllabus or read any of the day's readings being discussed in class.  Also, because I was late and the class quite full, I kind of smacked some people with my giant Mary Poppin's bag as I tried to squeeze my way around the room to the last available chair (unsurprisingly located within 1.5 meter's glaring distance from the professor).  I did manage to participate during the small group break-out discussion time, but overall did not speak during class and haven't yet managed to force myself to talk to strangers at the orientation events in order to make any new friends.  I am already living in dread of the public speaking class I decided to add to my course load.  How am I going to successfully complete a Master's in Counselling Psychology when I apparently still have no social skills?  

I've attended two orientation days so far.  Speakers at the orientation sessions have heavily emphasized and repeated three points: (1) "The University of Toronto is an excellent school"- all students who got into graduate studies here are lucky/fortunate/smart/hardworking; (2) "The University of Toronto is an excellent school"- ergo, spend your time wisely here and work your ass off so you make them proud; and (3) "The University of Toronto is an excellent school"- you should get involved and contribute to the school's excellence, plus take advantage of the bazillion and one recreational programs and clubs that are here.  By all accounts, the speakers aren't lying- the University of Toronto is an excellent school (they have motto-chanting fraternities named after greek letters and everything)- and I'm having a hard time being here.

Is it possible to simultaneously feel over and under qualified?  I applied to the right school, the right department, but didn't read the descriptions of the programs carefully enough and ended up accidentally applying for their MEd in Counselling Psychology, specializing in counselling and psychotherapy.  I intended to apply for the Masters in Counselling and Clinical Psychology program.  The latter is thesis-based and would have directed me towards completing a PhD and eventually qualified me to become a registered psychologist, prepared to both provide counselling and do psychological research.  What I actually applied to and was accepted for is a terminal degree, meaning that there is no thesis required; just course-work and practicums and when I'm done I go out into the world to find employment and call myself either a "counsellor" or "psychotherapist."  When I realized my mistake and inquired into the possibility of a transfer I was informed that transfers from one program to the other are not possible.  The administrator politely stated, "They're both highly competitive programs and both can lead to a wide variety of interesting and satisfying job opportunities."  A.k.a, "The University of Toronto is an excellent school" and you should be happy you got into any program at all, you ingrate. 

I didn't think it was a realistic plan to accept the current program invite and then attempt to simultaneously complete full time studies while also going through the strenuous process of applying for graduate studies again.  I also cringed at the idea of turning down the current program invite and potentially not being accepted anywhere next year either.  I was painfully aware of the rejection letters that had come from the other schools I had applied to for 2014, schools at which I had correctly applied for their clinical psychology programs.  Thus, I accepted what I deemed to be the lesser academic and professional path, trying to trust that my inattention to detail was an act of God meant for my good (ex. potentially less stress, less educational debt, less professional prestige-developed ego; more time to work in the field, and greater likelihood of starting a family after I've completed school but before I'm 40).  Now, here I am.  Feeling like I should have been able to get into a "better" program if only I paid more attention to detail and planned further ahead for my applications, frowning at the courses available to me because they seem less interesting and challenging than the forbidden ones offered only to students of the program I intended to apply to, and yet still managing to prove myself too incompetent for even the program I got into by reverting into hermit mode, showing up late for class, and not keeping up with the required reading. 

God comments: Stop whining.  Check the school's stats on how many applied for versus how many actually were accepted for your program so you'll stop looking for where the grass is greener.  I am Sovereign- I placed you where you were supposed to be.  I want you to start focusing on what you can learn and how you can be shaped here, looking neither to the left or the right (looking at the curb is how drivers swerve off the road, helloooo).  I am with you, always.