Tonight I am listening to Tchaikovsky's "April Snowdrop" and it seems fitting. I always associate this song with Peacemaker, starring Nicole Kidman and George Clooney. The villain is actually a piano teacher who lost his wife and child to a civil war bombing and has decided that he is going to bomb the Americans because they should have intervened between the Serbians and the Chechnyians and because he's bitter and hurt and can't get over it.
It's just been one of those weeks. I went to my school Athletic Awards Ceremony night on Monday. I didn't really want to be there. I just went because I knew I'd feel like a coward if I didn't and because I wanted to support my team-mates who would actually be getting awards. It's not their fault I'm still feeling bitter about the unintentional disparate game playing for the whole season.
Basically, I've struggled with feeling out-of-place, ackward, intrusive/burdensome, and clumsy for almost as long as I can remember. I have definitely been healed of a lot of those wounds and when I hit my low strides I don't remain depressed nearly as long as I used to, or go quite as low. But every now and again I'll find myself in a situation that cuts into the deeper hurts that haven't fully mended and I have to relearn healing all over again. The Athletic Awards night was the third such situation in under 5 days and it probably didn't help that I'd stayed up all night working on the first of several major papers all due this week. Suffice it to say that I do not "shine" well in unorganised large crowds of closely-knit people that I only know superficially.
I recently finished reading Wild At Heart by John Elridge. I read Captivating by Stasi and John Elridge before that. Once again, I was struck by the story of how, after 10 years of marriage, the two finally realised that they'd each been listening to lies not their own from an enemy trying to see them ripped apart. It wasn't long after that they began to realize it was the same enemy trying to destroy Stasi through depression and dizzy spells. They said they'd dealt with the relational by having Stasi go to see a counselor about past hurts from childhood and adolescence, they'd dealt with the physical by getting her medication; the only domain remaining was the spiritual. So they prayed and told the devil to beat it and Stasi's condition got worse and they prayed some more and eventually the demon preying on her was banished and never returned. I think I must come to the same place. I've worked on the relational- I really am a lot more socially competent than I ever have been before; I've worked on the physical- I try to exercise and eat healthy and monitor my diabetis as much as I can to feel good about my image. It's time to face the dragon: the traitor within and the bitter Traitor without. I cannot face the beast alone. But I have friends I need to ask for help, and God already gave me my answer about who I am and what I need to emulate that- I just haven't fully accepted it yet. So hello Friends, let me introduce you to my dragon:
Things aren't feeling any better.
like vomit
I feel poisonous,
noxious,
sour like morning breath
after consuming too much candy
I am
repulsed
over-sensitive to criticism
unteachable
proud, stubborn, angry, rebellious
irritated
socially ackward
isolated, alone
Afraid of rejection, abandonment.
Self-focused
Judgemental
perfectionist
upset, tired.
Cry, you have nothing better to do.
Chew
my fist
pinch my face
I'll do better next time
ugly
Snot pouring down my face.
I'm so tired.
I tried
never good enough.
Please don't come downstairs,
don't find me
I want to be invisible today.
The way I feel I am invisible
every other day.
Not good enough.
I forgot
lost it again
I'm sorry
I failed.
Too bad. I sent Melanie.
She prayed for me.
Good. I told her to.
She gave me a hug.
Good. I told her to do that too. She's an obediant little soul.
-Dec. 03/05.
And now here was the answer:
You're not Auguste Rodin's sculpture. You're not Camille Claudel, modeling "La Vieille Helene".
You're a puppy.
Ah, thanks. I feel so much better...
I DID NOT SAY, 'A Bitch'!!!
I said, "'You are a puppy.' You're still growing into your skin, still busy exploring the world around you, figuring things out. You don't need to always have your hind feet in a place where they won't make you trip over your front feet, or your ears in a place where they're always out of the way of your eyes. The only thing I expect or want from you right now is to be yourself. Your grace will come with experience. In the meantime, you need to practise moving. I will call you if you stray too far- your hearing is good. Breath deeply, my child, and run. I delight in your pleasure. There are many pleasant scents to seek the origin of, many good friends to make, many days to spend relishing the changing seasons. The sun and the rain and the smell of wet dirt and roses are for you: play. I love you. I will heal you. I will show you my joy, as well as my sorrow. In time. Remain in me.
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